The other day, one of my girlfriends and I were talking about how we miss that butterflies-in-the-tummy-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you feeling relationships have in their early days, weeks and months and how, it was like the second the ring went on that finger the passion flew out the window. So, we got to wondering, does anyone have a passionate marriage or do we all just settle for mundane, married people sex that not only lacks spark, but creativity and fun, like in the good old days?
My thought was passion is out the window because it’s hard to want to jump the bones of the man whose underwear you wash and who, for whatever unknown reason, puts his socks in a pile under the coffee table and then gripes because they didn’t get washed. Dude, there’s a thing called a hamper. It’s not under the coffee table. I’ve been married for less than a year (it’ll be a year next month) and I used to get butterflies in my tummy when I saw my hubby. Now, when I pull up from work and he’s home, I’m like, “Oh, he’s here.” But, in the 11-months we’ve been married, we’ve been through a lot-his father moved in with us, we bought a new house, I already have two kids, one of whom is about to start driving and we (I) nursed his father until he died in December-so we’re not your average newlyweds.
Obviously there’s a need for more passion or else companies like Cloud 9 Parties wouldn’t exist and every woman’s magazine on the planet wouldn’t have tips for spicing up things in the bedroom, most of which require you to be a circus performer of have no bones, on the cover of every issue So, I conducted a little research and here’s what I found:
- According to iVillage’s Married Sex Survey, nearly half of all women reported their sex lives were better before they had kids, however, one-third of the women in the survey said there’s nothing they’d rather do than have sex with their hubbies (Although women with kids under 10 would rather sleep. Man, do I get that.)
- In the same survey 75% of women said having a good sex life was important to their marriage, 41% of women with kids under 10 have used some sort of sex toy with their husband and 53% have bought sexy lingerie to spice things up.
- Four out of five women said their sex life was predictable, but 58% also said they were happy with their sex lives.
- In an op-ed by Psychology Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, couples experience a two year “passion bump” after getting married due to those feelings of being all hot and bothered being replaced by a love you’d have for a family member. When you see your spouse as being “like a brother”, that makes things way less hot.
- Lyubomirsky also said seeing the same thing over-and-over also causes couples to lose that passion. Seeing the same pair of boobies day-after-day get boring after a while, it would seem.
- But, have no fear. If the marriage lasts 18-20 years, the passion just might make a comeback because the kids are gone and the two of you are left to focus and rediscover one another.
The one thing every single article and study I read had in common was the way to keep that spark alive is with communication, making sure your partner feels loved by doing things you know they like, and, even if you have to schedule sex, throw in some new tricks so it’s not so routine. Basically, put forth a little effort because that spark ain’t gonna keep itself lit.
I guess that means I have to stop referring to my husband as one of the children and surprise him with his favorite meal of spaghetti pie and sopapilla cheesecake when he gets home in a few days.